It's About Time...

I have to apologize for not keeping this up to date as promised previously. I can't believe it's almost been a year since I last posted. After Mom passed last July, I had a hard time finding as much importance in the day-to-day activities. Nothing seemed as monumental or deserving of attention in comparison to her death. It's taken me a while to become more comfortable with the fact that she's not here. I still miss her terribly and long to talk to her and see her smiling face again, but I know that she'll always be with me, a part of me, a part of everything. I still have my difficult days where I miss her more, where some small thing sparks a memory of her or propels me into a flashback of last 4th of July. I've had more and more flashbacks lately...likely because the anniversary of her passing is so near. I have regrets (though I know I shouldn't) and they still linger in the back of my mind. I wish I had listened more, shut her out less in the busy times, visited when she asked me to stop by "just to talk". I wish I had reiterated to her just how important she was to me, and how proud I was of her for fighting for so long for us, and how much I loved her and loved having her for a mom.


Mother's day was tough this year, but spending time with Chad and Dad helped to soften the blow that she was actually gone. We planted flowers at Dad's house together for her in a memorial garden. It's something we plan to do every year for her on Mother's Day to leave something beautiful to grow for her and for us to see. Jeff and I also planted flowers at our house and will do so every year as well. There's just something about taking care of flowers that's therapeutic. It's like we're making a physical effort to show her we're thinking of her and miss her, and she reciprocates by making the flowers bloom for us. (That's how I like to think of it anyway.)

Mom's birthday fell on Memorial Day weekend like last year. My wonderfully supportive friends knew it would be on my mind as we were to be on our annual lake trip that weekend. My friend, Kate, thought up a beautiful way to remember mom...and when she told me what she had planned it brought tears to my eyes. Mom loved sunsets and water (mainly the ocean, but I'm sure lakes would do too). Kate had the idea to take the boat out at sunset and release balloons for Mom. Turns out that it was rainy and overcast that night, but when we got out on the water, there wasn't another boat to be seen. It was so still and quiet...absolutely beautiful. We went out to a small cove that was completely surrounded by trees. Jeff and I walked to the front of the boat in silence to release the pink balloons that Kate had brought. We all wrote messages to Mom on them, much like she had done just over a year previous at a breast cancer event at Menorah Medical Center. As Jeff and I turned to face the other direction, there was a small clearing in the clouds where a hint of the pink sunset shone through. I let go of the cluster of pink balloons and we all watched in complete silence as they drifted away and out of sight. It couldn't have been more perfect. The only sounds were those of the frogs and birds surrounding us and the movement of trees from rain that was just on the shore. We all rode back in awe of how incredible the moment was. As David said, "Someone must have pulled in a few favors." I am so grateful to have such good friends who have supported me over this last year. I am truly blessed. After we returned to the house, we all filed inside and the girls began to prepare strawberry shortcake. I had to count myself out because it brought back so many memories of the day Mom passed. Dad had prepared strawberries for Mom as dessert for that night. He said that she was really excited about them...almost like a kid would be when they knew something good was coming. :) As they cut the strawberries in the kitchen, I looked out the window to see that just across the lake, fireworks were going off. I now see fireworks as having extra special meaning and symbolism. Since Mom passed on the 4th, I can't help but associate them with her and her freedom from illness and pain. They're so beautiful and captivating...much like sunsets. We plan to set off fireworks every 4th in honor and remembrance of her.

I know this post is getting to be long, so I think I'll end it here. I do plan to try and catch everyone up on what's happened in the last year and move forward. I know that not much, if anything, will be as significant as losing Mom...but I also know that life must go on. Happiness must go on. Joy must be found in the day-to-day happenings...because of her and for her. So, I'll do my best to keep this up as the days, months, and years pass. I've come to realize that family and friends are all that really matter, so what better than to keep myself more connected by sharing my life with those I hold most dear...

Stay tuned.